Women and Erotic Rape Fantasies

A 2008 article from Psychology Today talks about the prevelance of erotic rape fantasies in today's women.

The article says that anywhere from 31% to as high as 57% of women have rape fantasies.

This doesn't surprise me at all, since I know of many women --and men, too!-- who really enjoy rape fantasies. Some women want to be raped, some want to rape a man or another woman, some like the idea of both. And not everyone wants to be "raped" in the same way, either. Some women want to be licked tenderly until they scream from forbidden pleasure, some want to be harshly fucked until they bleed, and some want to be wrestled down, tied up, and tortured.

Everyone's fantasy is different.

So why do so many women secretly dream about being raped? The article has several ideas, including:

• masochism: some women just like pain and suffering on some level


• women use "rape" to avoid sexual blame: if someone pushed you into it, you can't be considered a wanton slut. This relates back to our culture where women are not supposed to enjoy or seek out sex, and feel guilty if they do. This allows them to enjoy sex without the guilt.


• they want to feel desired: let's face it, if you are so smokin' hot that some man can't control himself, rips your panties off, and takes you passionately, that makes you feel desired and wanted as a woman.


• biology: if you want the Nature Channel, male lions don't sweet-talk the lionesses, and there isn't any foreplay. Male animals pounce upon, subdue, and rape the females. Maybe women with rape fantasies are having a throwback to our natural animal instincts from the wild.


• Fear = Excitement: This is the same theory that explains why people seek out thrilling adventures like bungee jumping, skydiving, and roller coasters. Fear and excitement are very similar emotions, so causing one can cause the other.


• Past trauma: while I know of many women who were raped or sexually abused and would never be turned on by a replay of that, there are women who reconcile past traumas by re-creating them in a safe, exciting present. For some women, rape play can be a way to transform past trauma into something easier to deal with.

Are rape fantasies healthy? That depends on the woman. Some women love and embrace these fantasies. They find rape play can add an exciting new element to their sex lives, and for these women, the fantasies are healthy. But some women are disturbed and distressed by their fantasies, and if that is the case, for that woman they probably aren't healthy. It's all in the eye of the experiencer.

Also, rape fantasies are not the same thing as real rape. Rape fantasies usually occur in the mind of the woman, so of course the man is a tall, muscular hunk with just the right amount of dominance and sadism. The things he does to her are exciting and forbidden (a doubly good combination!) and she experiences a tantalizing mixture of pleasure and pain. Yumm.

Of course, a real rape would look nothing like that. So just because women have rape fantasies doesn't mean all woman are asking for it. It means that with a loving, committed, understanding partner, her fantasies can bring a new, exciting dimension to their love life. Bring it on!

Slaves for their own pleasure?

I've been musing about something I heard on FetLife.

Some people think that slaves and submissives are just meant to be used for someone else's pleasure. In this scenario, a slave would never say, "Please do it softer there," or "Would you go down on me?" The slave would basically just let his or her body be used for the pleasure of the Master (or Mistress.... whatever) unless specifically pushed past boundaries, and would then use a safeword to get out of something that was just too much.

Regular, vanilla sex is about mutual pleasure.

So is BDSM, but in a different way. The mutual pleasure is emotional or relational, but not necessarily physical. I know some Masters and slaves have an entire BDSM dynamic where sexual pleasure is not even part of their relationship. Maybe the slave is a maid, or a servant, or a confidante, but they don't have orgasms. Other people might use sex as part of their BDSM lifestyles, but it is only about what the Master wants. For example, maybe the Master has to be brought to orgasm before the sub gets pleasured, like earning your orgasm. Or maybe only the Master gets pleasured. Or maybe they have sex, but the slave doesn't get a say-so on how or when or how hard or how long or anything--the slave is just a tool for the Master.

And for some people, that really gets them off. The idea of being used, totally and completely, may not be physically pleasurable, but it sure can be a real kind of mental and emotional pleasure.

Some people in our society think sex should always be equally pleasurable, mutually satisfying, with no one partner being used, abused, beaten, or coerced. I'm totally for that kind of sex, too! But when we start telling people the "right" way to have sex, that means there is a "wrong" way, too. And is there really a wrong way to have sex, if both people enjoy it (at least on some level)?

I'm not advocating rape here. That is a wrong way to have sex, when one person is forced or truly coerced.

But in a relationship with two consenting adults, when one person says, "I want to give the power up to you, I want you to use me as you see fit, treat me like dirt and use me as a play-thing, and think only of your own pleasure" and the other person thinks that sounds like a great idea.... is that "wrong" sex? Maybe it's not something a lot of uber-feminists would be okay with, but I'm not sure why not. If a woman is free and equal to a man, and freely chooses to give that up so she can be dominated, treated like trash, and bossed around, who are the feminists to tell her that her free choice was the "wrong" one? If that's what gets her off, mentally or emotionally or physically.... isn't that "right" sex for her?

Just my thoughts of the day.

Getting Back into BDSM

Lately, I've been really craving some good, old-fashioned Domination. I hate it, but if it's done right, afterward I love it. I may kick and scream and fight at the beginning, but if he can drive me past that point, I love the feeling of curling up next to him, exhausted and sweaty, and collapsing into a lovely, peaceful sleep.

My Dom decided to start small. Of course, he didn't tell me that! :)

First, after a lovely backrub, he just started kissing me. I didn't like it; I felt claustrophobic and somewhat pushed into it. I whined and squirmed, but he was unrelenting. He told me if I needed it to stop, I could use my safeword, and then just went right ahead manhandling me. My squirms and squeals of protest got louder and more frantic, but he didn't stop or even slow down.

I was getting very unhappy.

Then he started sucking on my nipples! Normally, I like this, but it is a very intimate thing. (He told me later he was going for the "Too much too soon" feeling, and he got it!) I don't like being manhandled in what is supposed to be an intimate, pleasurable area when I'm just being forced and used. I started screeching in protest, and my breathing started to really come hard and fast, telling him I was getting seriously distressed. He didn't stop.

I squirmed, kicked, wiggled, moaned, and whined, but he didn't stop. He pinned my hands roughly above my head, trapping some hair in there, and I could not even move my head anymore without pain. I got one hand free and hit him; he just gave a low laugh and wrestled it back into place, saying, "I like a girl with some fight in her!"

I tried to claw his hands that were pinning my hands above my head, but he didn't seem to feel it. Later, though, he pulled me across his lap and started spanking me by hand---something he knows I hate! (Later, he told me that he started out hard at first to hurt me, then slowed back down to a more light spank, knowing it would still hurt after those hard first ones.) He spanked me while I whined and started to dry sob---no tears came, but I was shaking and breathing like they might appear soon. He still didn't stop spanking me; in fact, he seemed to enjoy it.

Finally, he told me why I was getting spanked: I'd tried to claw him. Frantic to get away from where I was pinned on his lap, I dug my nails into his side, the only place I could grab him. Immediately the spanking stopped. "DO NOT try to claw me!" he thundered, making me whimper and lie still in terror. "Do you understand me?" I whimpered and stopped moving. "Do you UNDERSTAND me?" he roared. Totally undone, I could only hold back the sobs and nod.

When he was done spanking me---I did not fight him or claw him anymore, but simply took it and shook with dry sobs---he rolled me over, embraced me, and said softly, "It's all over, Pretty Girl, it's all done." He held me while I calmed down, stroked my hair, and checked to see if I needed water. He explained that even though perhaps I'd wanted more, we haven't done BDSM in a long while and he wanted to ease me into it, not give me anything that I couldn't handle. I nodded my understanding and clung to him in one of those wonderfully needy embraces I only manage right after a good BDSM scene.

Ahhh, sweet kink and torture! My Dom and I have returned.